I don’t know what’s wrong with me but i can’t grow up. I don’t want to be a responsible adult. I don’t want to work and have a boss. I don’t want to leave my easy life. And I just don’t want to be what I should be.
When I was younger, things looked really hard, incredibly hard. I wasn’t strong at all and I just let myself lay down until the day someone came by and helped me.
Today, I act like I know what I do, I know what I am and what I want to be. But I’m so lying to everyone. Me first. When the truth gets back to me it’s like a big strong slap in my face. It hurts really bad. I open my eyes and see all the wrong things in my life. And then, I’m just asking to myself “how the hell could you even think a second you could do anything good, anything interesting?”
I don’t know…
I’m as lost as a kid could be in a big city he never saw before, left all alone. I don’t know where to go. And everywhere I could is wrong, bad. It’s like I’m attracted by miserable and death feeling places…
I’ve to grow up. I know. But I can’t! Things are complicated but I’m afraid of being responsible, of being a real woman. Why? I don’t know. The world is too big, too scary, too bad, too painful… I’m not strong enough… Not strong at all.
That’s the moment when dark ideas come to me… I hate that because I know where I’ll be if I follow them. So I try to not listen to them. But they scream in my head! They shout me everything I shouldn’t do! Sometimes, because I’m just so weak, I follow them, finally. And I do stupid things.
I’m scared. I’m so scared to lose my tiny control and finally sleep forever. I don’t where to go to reach any help… I don’t even know if I’m alone in this or if other people live the same. I feel so alone.
I feel like a lonely little heart lost between big scary sharks in a black and red ocean.
Cheers, Lady of Flesh