… I’d tell you how hurt I am. I’d tell you that my heart is broken and barely fixed with some tape. I’d tell you that my mind collapsed and will never ever be the same. I’d tell you how scarred I am to be outside my room.
If I could, I’d show you what it is to feel so insecure. I had to have a car to feel safe enough to go out. Walking in the streets became very stressful because I feel your presence behind me every second. I found myself running without any reasons because I thought I recognized your face in the crowd. My legs are shaking everytime I am somewhere we went to together.
If I could, I’d share my pain with you to make you feel how destroyed I am in the inside. The cracks don’t show on my dark lined eyes and my glossy red lips but everything inside is just chaos and desolation. I’d make you feel this sadness and pain. I’d watch you suffering it while I also do but silently.
You saw me smiling on a picture. You don’t know that every time I see myself, I hate myself. I don’t let anyone touching me. I hate being next anybody. I hate to have to shake people’s hands. Even the delicate and romantic touch of my dear one is sometimes burning my skin. Everytime I see my body, I cry. I cry and can’t stop myself. I’d make you feel this particular pain… I’d make you cry on the only sigh of your person. I’d make you scratch your arms, cut your legs and hide the rest from anyone. I’d make you uncomfortable with yourself… Your body will become your worst enemy. Because you took everything from me. My physical person became my worst enemy. You took what none should ever took from a girl and you played with it. Today, I feel dirty and impure… I know I’ll never accept my loss and nothing in the world could ever bring it back to me. You took my dignity and for that, sometime I wish to take your life… Maybe it’ll make me feel better…
If I could, I’d show you, tell you, make you feel what I am because of you.
But even with all the horrible things you did to me, I don’t want you to get hurt… I don’t want you to lose your mind, your heart, your social life, your dignity, your pride… I don’t you to die…
You can’t fix the abuse you did to me. But you can at least show me that even the worst kid of this universe can become a real good man. You’ve been hurt. You hurt back. I’m not going to do the same.
Maybe one day the wounds will heal. Since then, I’ll try to deal with all of this…
If I could tell you this, I’ll feel relieved.
But they say I shouldn’t.