Failure

One of my teachers yelled this at me the other at the end of my exam:

You should be ashamed of showing such a very bad work like this! I can’t even believe that you actually really thought it was worth for me to read it! You can not study! You are not made for any kind of studies! Knowledge is nothing you will ever have! You should NEVER be a teacher because you think you’re better than others but you’re nothing much than a thief! You probably stole a part of the work to one of the most brilliant student in the class and you really thought I won’t see it? Shame on you! I don’t want to hear anything from you, not even your name, anymore!

Yes. A teacher. You probably think that he said that to make me feel bad. You know what? It’s a success… I’m destroyed.

I don’t think I can actually have my grade. It was my very last one, the only one to not fail at. And he decided that I should fail and do another whole last year one more time.

No. I give up. He won. Again. Like all the others. He won, I don’t want that anymore… And my heart is broken because I’m a failure.

By the way, I’m not a thief. I don’t need anyone to give me anything to prove that I can do (shitty) things bby myself. And I actually don’t know the people in my class because they don’t talk to me and I don’t look after them. Anyway…

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Deadlines

I bloddy hate deadlines. I hate to finish something for a very precise moment. I’m more confortable whit the idea that it’s ok as long as I do the thing I’m supposed to do…

I hate when the deadline includes an hour. I mean, you can tell me to finish something for Friday. I can deal with it… But don’t tell me to finish it before 7:30pm… ! First, I just hate that. Second, it’s too much pressure. Third, I’m usually eating at 7:30pm. And finally, fourth, I work better by night! I begin to work around 1pm and can work untill 2 or 3am. And the moment where I’m the most productive is between 8pm and midnight.

I know my body. I know how I work. And I know my way to do things is wierd but this is how it works the best for me… This is why I hate deadlines. Because they are too normal and maybe obvious for anyone. But not for me.

So that’s it… I’m working now, just taking a little break.

Love, Lady of Flesh

A call to the world… Help me keep believing

I’m thinking about what happened yesterday. I thought about it all day long. I didn’t sleep that much. I feel so lost… I don’t know what to do…

I can’t believe some people agreed with how the police beat us and send our friend to the hospital. I can’t believe people are still believing in that police who’s supposed to protect us from the fascists and extremists. They fucking beat young ant-fascits students because we were just there to say no to ALL the extremists. I mean, how people can allow them to beat their children when we, the children, are trying to awake the fucking world?! How is it just fucking imaginable?!

I heard that the police could complain against all of us for rebellion. We can have from fines to convictions. And this is the usual method that cops use now to turn a victim of police’s violence into guilty of rebellion. I think the cops are over using their power and this is no more their job they’re doing. This is pure repression and violence for the elite.

I’m going to tell you what I did today. I went to the city center of Brussels for some shopping with my sister. First thing, I refused to take any underground public transports. So we stayed outside. Second thing, whenever I saw cops or police cars or heard them, my heart started to beat very quickly and my eyes were looking everywhere to find them. I felt so insecure! I was scared to find those cops behind me trying to get me one more time. I didn’t enjoy my time there. Worst: my sister had to take my fucking hand because she felt me in distress and she tried to calm me down. It works a bit but now, I don’t want to go out unless it’s really necessary.

I’m hopeless now. I feel like the cops are going to win one more time and just have everything for them while we’re all going to feel that anger growing in us. I feel  like I’m so fucked and maybe, this whole “revolution” thing is just a lie, a fucking toy the 1% of this world made to let us play with as they keep sucking our blood, sweat, tears and money out of us. I feel like my energy is already empty and none in this world really wants to move and change stuff.

I’m hopeless. So hopeless.

I’d like to ask for help but who can help us? Who can help me? My faith in this world exploded yesterday in jail. Everything I saw and heard made me feel bad, worst than what I expected. And the very worst of all is that I don’t know who/what can help me.

Maybe the Anon family could but there’re way much more interesting and useful actions to take that I won’t ask them. The “usual” way of nongovernmental organizations always takes so much time.

I want the cops to know that this time, that was enough. That was the last time. And now, they have to pay. Help me. Please. Help me…

Lady of Flesh

Here are some of the pictures I took. Use them, share them.

Things in my Life

Hello everyone, I’m finally back after a very long time of absence.  I had a lot of things going weirdly in my life lately and didn’t get the time to share it here. I’ve to admit that I missed to post on this blog.

Right now, I’m at the end of my final exam session. Tomorrow, I’ll have my History exam and this is the last but certainly not least exam of my whole three years of studies. But I won’t get my diploma on June the 20th like all the others. Unfortunately, my teachers made me fail at my work experiences of the year. And this is one of my major classes, the most important. So, I’ll have to present and do another work experience in November and get graduated in January. Does it suck? Yes. Totally.

Having a long distance relationship really killed me. I thought it’d be quiet easy but absolutely not. However I’m still with my boyfriend but, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel that I don’t want to waste anytime in “searching” someone. I feel my boyfriend is the good one, the only one, even if we know each other since a few (long) months. If we can’t really know someone even in years of relationships, I think I can just trust him and build my life with him. At 23 years, I feel too much old, I need to have my life and I need him by my side. I’m hoping to be happy with him but I know I’ll be.

Last Saturday the 9th, I went to the global protestation against ACTA in Brussels. That was incredibly nice for me because I was with those few awesome people I met on the 12th of May during the Global Change/Indignados protest. Now, I know I can go on demonstration with good, nice and very kind people who think like me and act the same. That’s awesome to feel like a part of something I truly believe in.

This summer, I hope it’s going to be my best summer ever. I’ve two different plans. The first is to go on holyday with my parents from July the 7th to August the 18th in Morocco. Sunbathing, beach, museums, travels and initiation to some “extreme” sports are planned. The second plan is to get a house with my boyfriend and just live together with probably a No Border camp in Germany, as an Occupy Koln and Dusseldorf.  One or the other, both are going to fulfill my heart with happiness.

Those last few months were really hard and stressed but with lots of support, love and smiles around me, I didn’t left everything over, I kept working and fighting. Yes, I failed at some things but I successfully achieved others+ and I’m glad.

Today, I feel really happy, pretty proud and full of hope for my future.

Cheers, Lady of Flesh

Anonymous? Occupy? OWS?

What am I?

Today, I was at school. During one of our breaks, we went out for a cigarette. I lightened mine and a friend of mine came to me and asked me: “well, because I know you read a lot of things and post a lot of things about it, I wanted to ask you something. Are you an Anonymous?”

I wanted to answer immediately: “no, I’m not even if I totally agree with their actions”. But the words stayed inside me and I thought about it. Am I an Anonymous…?

I never considered myself as an Anonymous as Medias show them. I never hacked any site. I never DDoSed anything. I’m not good enough for that, I think… So, no, I’m not an Anon in that way.

But, I did thousands of research about what is Anonymous and I found out that you can also be an Anon without DDoS and stuff. Because you ask question about the system, because you share information, because you fight for your freedom of speech and exist, because you don’t allow sects and things like that and because you act for a better world you can call yourself Anonymous.

This is how I see the things: Anon are a group of people who fight with whatever they have to assure to the future generations a better world or at least a less fucked up world. People good with computers use their skills at it to act against anything that try to reduce our existence. I’m not one of those people. I’m most the kind that go out in the streets, whatever weather is it, allowed demonstration or not, I go out, march on the streets and show my disagreement with anything that would reduce my freedoms. I share as much as possible information I found and critics about this world. I try to open people’s eyes.

So, am I an Anon? I think that I am but in the same time, I do also agree with all the Occupy movements and OWS too…

I like to say that I’m just a Citizen of the world who wants a better world for everyone. And, most important, I’ll act and take any action to achieve that. Whatever it costs, I march on. Always.

Cheers, Lady of Flesh

Welcome back

Hello everyone.

I didn’t find the time to come over here and continue to share my thoughts with you for a very simple reason. I didn’t have any time to think about my thoughts. Time… Sometimes so long and sometimes not enough.

I had something like a month where time was really precious and rare to me. I had so many things to do and not enough with 24 hours in a day. I tried to find more time here and there by reducing my sleep and wasting less time on the Internet. But even with those adjustments it was difficult to finish everything I had to.

After several days without sleeping and more days with a high level of stress and anxiety, I literally blow a fuse. I was totally crazy. And that’s when I started to think about myself and my life. I know, I shouldn’t try to analyze my existence when I’m already in a very bad mood + tired + stressed + *put anything else here*… But it came by itself. A few things changed then.

My more than 2 years relationship ended. I realized that person wasn’t good for me but I believe he’ll be awesome for somebody else. It was hard to find out I wasn’t loving him anymore. The only reason why I stayed with him was that I didn’t want to hurt him, to make him sad. But after all, I had to think about myself and the best thing for me was to leave and focus on my needs.

Besides that, someone else is currently making my heart beat and I hope things to stay as fine as it is now.

My studies make me feel like I’m in prison. I can’t be myself if I’m a part of a system I don’t believe in anymore. The point now is to finish them (only a few months left) and then to find the way to act with all the things I learned. I mean that I can’t let this system fucks some kids just because they are not living on the right places, the good places. With all my knowledge build during the last 3 years, I want and need to help the left down. I won’t be a part of the system but a part of the revolution to create another system, a better one. Just let me dream it’s possible.

My feelings about the world are everyday more disturbed. Every new video I watch, every news I read, every people I meet, everything is making me feel that the world really needs to change. And I believe so deeply that we are the change. We, the people, should do something, should everything to re-build this world. Because it could be wonderful and safe for everyone if only the few ones over our head could leave and let us do…

My mind is open again. I love to think and analyze everything. I need to talk and most of all I need to have lots of feedback about everything I hear, read and know. I have more time now for myself so I’ll do my best to keep building my own knowledge and try to find more people to talk with 🙂

Cheers, Lady of Flesh