If I could tell you something…

… I’d tell you how hurt I am. I’d tell you that my heart is broken and barely fixed with some tape. I’d tell you that my mind collapsed and will never ever be the same. I’d tell you how scarred I am to be outside my room.

If I could, I’d show you what it is to feel so insecure. I had to have a car to feel safe enough to go out. Walking in the streets became very stressful because I feel your presence behind me every second. I found myself running without any reasons because I thought I recognized your face in the crowd. My legs are shaking everytime I am somewhere we went to together.

If I could, I’d share my pain with you to make you feel how destroyed I am in the inside. The cracks don’t show on my dark lined eyes and my glossy red lips but everything inside is just chaos and desolation. I’d make you feel this sadness and pain. I’d watch you suffering it while I also do but silently.

You saw me smiling on a picture. You don’t know that every time I see myself, I hate myself. I don’t let anyone touching me. I hate being next anybody. I hate to have to shake people’s hands. Even the delicate and romantic touch of my dear one is sometimes burning my skin. Everytime I see my body, I cry. I cry and can’t stop myself. I’d make you feel this particular pain… I’d make you cry on the only sigh of your person. I’d make you scratch your arms, cut your legs and hide the rest from anyone. I’d make you uncomfortable with yourself… Your body will become your worst enemy. Because you took everything from me. My physical person became my worst enemy. You took what none should ever took from a girl and you played with it. Today, I feel dirty and impure… I know I’ll never accept my loss and nothing in the world could ever bring it back to me. You took my dignity and for that, sometime I wish to take your life… Maybe it’ll make me feel better…

If I could, I’d show you, tell you, make you feel what I am because of you.

But even with all the horrible things you did to me, I don’t want you to get hurt… I don’t want you to lose your mind, your heart, your social life, your dignity, your pride… I don’t you to die…

You can’t fix the abuse you did to me. But you can at least show me that even the worst kid of this universe can become a real good man. You’ve been hurt. You hurt back. I’m not going to do the same.

Maybe one day the wounds will heal. Since then, I’ll try to deal with all of this…

If I could tell you this, I’ll feel relieved.

But they say I shouldn’t.

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One minute to look behind

I never knew, one year ago, that everything I was living then would make me stronger today. Of course, I’m not perfect and still complain about some things but I noticed that a lot of other things are easier for me to deal with.

For example, I’m not so afraid of the authority today as I was one year ago. I still think that Authorities (Govs, police, etc.) aren’t good for us and will do whatever it takes to make their order work but I know now that if we want to defeat them, we have other roads to use than go in the streets and throws stones on them.

I was sure I would never feel better in my personal life after what happened with my last relationship. It looks pretty pointless for some and it really stucked me in a place I hated to be. Now I’m moving forword (finally!). And I’ll never ever do the sames mistakes ever again.

I’m finishing my studies and I hope I’ll be graduated in late August. Now I’m ready to end this up and begin a new chapter in my professional life. Actually I’m ready to begin my professionnal life… I know what I want to do and I’ll do anything to achieve my goals. It’ll take time but everything I did before will help me.

There is one phrase that come to me at this point : what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t pretend to be stronger but at least, I learned from my past and I can move forward.

To all the people who hurt me, I want to thank them in a way. Because I can stand and walk again. And I’m wiser, too 😉

Lonelyness

My words are melting in my head. I don’t know how to put them in a right order so everyone can understand me. I don’t have anyone to talk with. I don’t have anybody to tell all my fears and deep feelings to. I am so alone…

Is it bad to ask to someone: “can you please listen to me, let me complain for hours and just be a comprehensive ear for me?” Because this is what I need right now. Actually, even if someone comes right now and tell me I can talk for hours with him/her, I wouldn’t say a damn word… Because I know I annoy people. I feel like I’m just good to listen to the others but not being heard.

I try to write my feelings on this blog or even just on sheets of paper at school. But nothing is helping. I want something so damn easy!

I’d like to meet someone, not a friend, but someone I talked a bit with and doesn’t know everything from me yet. Sometimes I find it easier to talk with a stranger than with a close friend. I’d like to meet that person in a little park, by a beautiful spring day. In the afternoon would be perfect. I’d like to sit on a bench or in the grass, in the sun. I’d light a cigarette or more because I feel better when I can do something with my hands. That person can talk to me; tell me anything, it’d help me too feel less nervous. Then I want to tell everything that’s in my mind, on my heart, in my head. I want to put all of those thoughts in my mouth and let them out with words. I just need to feel heard. The person doesn’t have to give any answer to my question. I just want to talk and feel heard…

Is it too much to ask?

No cheers… Lady of Flesh…