If I could tell you something…

… I’d tell you how hurt I am. I’d tell you that my heart is broken and barely fixed with some tape. I’d tell you that my mind collapsed and will never ever be the same. I’d tell you how scarred I am to be outside my room.

If I could, I’d show you what it is to feel so insecure. I had to have a car to feel safe enough to go out. Walking in the streets became very stressful because I feel your presence behind me every second. I found myself running without any reasons because I thought I recognized your face in the crowd. My legs are shaking everytime I am somewhere we went to together.

If I could, I’d share my pain with you to make you feel how destroyed I am in the inside. The cracks don’t show on my dark lined eyes and my glossy red lips but everything inside is just chaos and desolation. I’d make you feel this sadness and pain. I’d watch you suffering it while I also do but silently.

You saw me smiling on a picture. You don’t know that every time I see myself, I hate myself. I don’t let anyone touching me. I hate being next anybody. I hate to have to shake people’s hands. Even the delicate and romantic touch of my dear one is sometimes burning my skin. Everytime I see my body, I cry. I cry and can’t stop myself. I’d make you feel this particular pain… I’d make you cry on the only sigh of your person. I’d make you scratch your arms, cut your legs and hide the rest from anyone. I’d make you uncomfortable with yourself… Your body will become your worst enemy. Because you took everything from me. My physical person became my worst enemy. You took what none should ever took from a girl and you played with it. Today, I feel dirty and impure… I know I’ll never accept my loss and nothing in the world could ever bring it back to me. You took my dignity and for that, sometime I wish to take your life… Maybe it’ll make me feel better…

If I could, I’d show you, tell you, make you feel what I am because of you.

But even with all the horrible things you did to me, I don’t want you to get hurt… I don’t want you to lose your mind, your heart, your social life, your dignity, your pride… I don’t you to die…

You can’t fix the abuse you did to me. But you can at least show me that even the worst kid of this universe can become a real good man. You’ve been hurt. You hurt back. I’m not going to do the same.

Maybe one day the wounds will heal. Since then, I’ll try to deal with all of this…

If I could tell you this, I’ll feel relieved.

But they say I shouldn’t.

One minute to look behind

I never knew, one year ago, that everything I was living then would make me stronger today. Of course, I’m not perfect and still complain about some things but I noticed that a lot of other things are easier for me to deal with.

For example, I’m not so afraid of the authority today as I was one year ago. I still think that Authorities (Govs, police, etc.) aren’t good for us and will do whatever it takes to make their order work but I know now that if we want to defeat them, we have other roads to use than go in the streets and throws stones on them.

I was sure I would never feel better in my personal life after what happened with my last relationship. It looks pretty pointless for some and it really stucked me in a place I hated to be. Now I’m moving forword (finally!). And I’ll never ever do the sames mistakes ever again.

I’m finishing my studies and I hope I’ll be graduated in late August. Now I’m ready to end this up and begin a new chapter in my professional life. Actually I’m ready to begin my professionnal life… I know what I want to do and I’ll do anything to achieve my goals. It’ll take time but everything I did before will help me.

There is one phrase that come to me at this point : what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t pretend to be stronger but at least, I learned from my past and I can move forward.

To all the people who hurt me, I want to thank them in a way. Because I can stand and walk again. And I’m wiser, too 😉

Failure

One of my teachers yelled this at me the other at the end of my exam:

You should be ashamed of showing such a very bad work like this! I can’t even believe that you actually really thought it was worth for me to read it! You can not study! You are not made for any kind of studies! Knowledge is nothing you will ever have! You should NEVER be a teacher because you think you’re better than others but you’re nothing much than a thief! You probably stole a part of the work to one of the most brilliant student in the class and you really thought I won’t see it? Shame on you! I don’t want to hear anything from you, not even your name, anymore!

Yes. A teacher. You probably think that he said that to make me feel bad. You know what? It’s a success… I’m destroyed.

I don’t think I can actually have my grade. It was my very last one, the only one to not fail at. And he decided that I should fail and do another whole last year one more time.

No. I give up. He won. Again. Like all the others. He won, I don’t want that anymore… And my heart is broken because I’m a failure.

By the way, I’m not a thief. I don’t need anyone to give me anything to prove that I can do (shitty) things bby myself. And I actually don’t know the people in my class because they don’t talk to me and I don’t look after them. Anyway…

Vth of November

Remember, remember!
The fifth of November,
The Gunpowder treason and plot;
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot!
Guy Fawkes and his companions
Did the scheme contrive,
To blow the King and Parliament
All up alive.
Threescore barrels, laid below,
To prove old England’s overthrow.
But, by God’s providence, him they catch,
With a dark lantern, lighting a match!
A stick and a stake
For King James’s sake!
If you won’t give me one,
I’ll take two,
The better for me,
And the worse for you.
A rope, a rope, to hang the Pope,
A penn’orth of cheese to choke him,
A pint of beer to wash it down,
And a jolly good fire to burn him.
Holloa, boys! holloa, boys! make the bells ring!
Holloa, boys! holloa boys! God save the King!
Hip, hip, hooor-r-r-ray!

(http://www.potw.org/archive/potw405.html)

Deadlines

I bloddy hate deadlines. I hate to finish something for a very precise moment. I’m more confortable whit the idea that it’s ok as long as I do the thing I’m supposed to do…

I hate when the deadline includes an hour. I mean, you can tell me to finish something for Friday. I can deal with it… But don’t tell me to finish it before 7:30pm… ! First, I just hate that. Second, it’s too much pressure. Third, I’m usually eating at 7:30pm. And finally, fourth, I work better by night! I begin to work around 1pm and can work untill 2 or 3am. And the moment where I’m the most productive is between 8pm and midnight.

I know my body. I know how I work. And I know my way to do things is wierd but this is how it works the best for me… This is why I hate deadlines. Because they are too normal and maybe obvious for anyone. But not for me.

So that’s it… I’m working now, just taking a little break.

Love, Lady of Flesh

From Vegetarian to Vegan…

I am currently vegetarian for more than 3 years now. I had food poisoning during my holyday as we were eating meat in a cheap restaurant. Since that day, I swore I won’t touch any meat anymore in my life. And that’s what I did.

But I was considering being vegetarian for more than 3 years. I knew that a vegetal-based food was healthier and better for the body. Too young to make my own choices about my dishes, I couldn’t be vegetarian at that time. But after my food poisoning, my parents finally didn’t really have the choice as I totally stopped to feed myself with any kind of meat or fish dishes. Yes, that was a stupid act because getting out of a various and normal omnivorous diet to a total lack of meat and fish was really hard for my body.

I lost A LOT of weight in a few months. I felt really tired and weak. I had lot of drop in blood pressure. I wasn’t feeling that great actually…

But then I learned to eat in another way. I experienced the vegetarian way of life. I discovered that we can do thousands of things to eat without focusing on meat, chicken and fish! I ask my doctor if I could live my whole life like that and we did some blood tests to be sure I wasn’t putting my life in danger. The only concession I had to do is to keep eating fish… I basically always hated things from the sea! That wasn’t a good news… And I had to be vegetarian and not vegan.

What is “vegan”? Vegan is more elaborated than what I’m going to say but the idea is to avoid anything coming from an animal. So: no meat, no fish, no milk, no eggs, nothing coming from an animal. It’s a 100% vegetal based food. But don’t worry, all the elements that are in animal food can be found in vegetal food too! There’s no real lack of vitamins, proteins, etc. when you live as a vegan person.

But vegan also means to avoid any product that has hurt an animal during its making. For example: a girl should avoid any makeup brand that use experiments on animals or a person should not smoke because cigarettes were also tested on animals. This is why a lot of brands are launching “vegan” collection for that new kind of customers. I saw it with Urban Decay, a very known brand of makeup, wich made collection of makeup for vegan: no animal testing, no animal contents in the products. Thumbs up for that! Dahlila McPhee, a cloth designer, has made vegan dresses! By the way, they are amazingly beautiful…

Anyway. Vegan is my next step. I still have a very long journey before being completely vegan but I hope I can make it, as long as my body can endure it, of course. I don’t want to be vegetarian or vegan because it’s quiet “in” for the moment but because I really believe that we don’t need to hurt animals to live. Since then, I became more aware about how some mean people are acting with animals. I refuse torture on animals because they are conscious about the pain and the fear. And we don’t need to test things on animals as long as the results can heavily differ from test on humans…

I support Animal Liberation Front, Gaïa and PETA as they care about those little guys we use to forget 😉

I defend humans. I defend the oppressed. And I defend the animals too! I’m just too good =D (joke)

Take care, Lady of Flesh

PS: I can’t wait to get my new best friend! I’m getting to give some love to a beautiful little kitty kat in a few weeks x) I just can’t waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit !! His name is gonna be badass, trust me, you’ll love it!

Live show

Hi everyone!

I haven’t written anything anywhere since a long time now… you know what it is to be busy…

I’m really excited since 3 days because I’m going to a concert I was waiting for since months! Years! Decades? Not that much 😉 I’ve got my tickets on Thursday and since then, I just can’t wait!!

The show is on Monday and I’m about to see 4 Metal bands I’ve never seen before! One of them is on my top 3 of bands I LOVE.

I love live shows, concerts, because this is the only place where you can feel the whole potential of a song or a band. With the band playing, the crowd around, usually the darkness, things are getting more intense and I know that I feel the whole songs like that. I mean, sometimes I’m disappointed by a CD but if I’ve the opportunity to see it played live, I usually change my mind and find it awesome.

My favorite concerts are definitely Metal shows! They are so powerful, so intense… I love to get out of the venue exhausted but with a level of happiness above anything I could expected.

I love the feeling I have in the morning of a show. I love being quiet excited all day long. I love to be at the venue as early as I can. I love to meet other fans who are there to share the same love and passion for a band. I love to sometimes meet some band members in the streets around the venue! I love when they open the doors and we can finally get in. I love to enter inside the concert hall with that music playing softly before the bands come. I love when the crowd goes on growing around me. I love when they turn the lights off. The first screams. The excitation. I can feel it deeply inside my stomach. I really feel great at that moment. And then the very first notes, the very first sounds… And the explosion of music, as suddenly as a real bomb! And it just gets better as the night keeps going.

I really love concerts!

And Monday night, I’m going to enjoy my night like there’s no fucking tomorrow!

Cheers, Lady of Flesh